Etwas the Elf

Etwas the Elf
Our heroine, photo by Maia Ycot

Monday, November 14, 2011

Etwas and the itinerant administrator (Etwas und Alles)

Once upon a time, Etwas the Elf was running through the forests of grass, under the canopies of clover and around the stems of tall flowers when she tumbled across the pointy shoes of Alles, the traveling administrator of Elfindom.

"Howdy, Ms. Alles!  How's the paper business?" the adventurous little Elf asked the diligent one.

"Hello, Etwas," Alles replied, "Well, let's see."  The bureaucrat reached into her sparkly green briefcase and pulled out a file labeled Etwas (Rascal.) "I see." the administrator mumbled as she thumbed through the paperwork, "I see.  Uh huh.  Hmm.  Well.  Ah hah.  No. Nope. No. No. No, this is unacceptable."  Alles stared down her nose at Etwas.  "I'm sorry, do you have a moment?  Of course you do.  You must. We are not lawless elves.  Needs must. I'm afraid your passport application is unfinished. You can't frolic without a current passport.  No matter, no matter. We'll fix this now.  Have a seat." The representative of elfin law sat herself primly under the cap of a mushroom and pulled out of the shiny box she carried a 221-g form, three stamps, a tiny pot of ink and a gosling feather quill.  She continued, "Do you have evidence of birth?"

Etwas looked down towards her feet.  "Well, I have feet!"

"Do you have documentation you have feet?"

"My shoes!"

"In triplicate?"

"Just duplicate."

"I'm afraid I can't accept that.  Documentary evidence of live birth must be in triplicate." The notary sighed and pulled another sheet from her briefcase.  "Well, if you are prepared to attest you were born, we can do a 14-Blue B affidavit in a moment. Please list your relatives, elves first."

"My mother is Moni Whirlibird, my cousin, Eamon..." the perplexed but playful elf began.  When she had completed her list of elven kin, Alles prompted her to list any non-elves in the family.  "Stevie Elfsmoosher, Ogre, cousin; Maximilian Zwerg, Dwarf, Cousin, Payton the Pixie, Pixie, Cousin; Jacob Outdoorvoice, Banshee, cousin;  Jessika Newtfeather, witch (good,) cousin, Anja Borealis, Ethereal Whatnot, cousin, Marie Sophie Teufelchen, demonette, cousin; oh, and my father was a bear."  With every non-elven identity, Alles winced but dutifully bore up to note the horribly mixed breeding.  Before Etwas could finish her list, the administrator stood.

"Well, it's 2:15 and I have to file before I end my day promptly at 5.  Elves really ought to be punctual, don't you find?  Of course you do.  Well, your application is incomplete."  The prim elf made a face and emphasized "entirely insufficient.  Good day, Etwas, but do come find me a week from Thursday at 2:15.  Until your passport has been stamped, I caution you no frolicking, playing, mischief-making or tail yanking under penalty of fines and possible imprisonment in a moosehead fern.  Good day, madame."

And ever since then, when completing official forms, Etwas is always careful to dot her I's, cross her T's and thumb her upturned little nose.


  1. The storyteller misspelled "itinerant."

  2. Thanks, Karen. The QA is obviously off today.

  3. this is my favourite- for now. I love how you write them with our present life in mind. paperwork should be outlawed in eflendom!

  4. It's not quite 2:15 but I have to ask. Did Alles file the required paperwork before her day ended promptly at 5?

    Word veri: reedle -- a typo.