The Elf and the Furry Caterpillar

Once upon a time, Etwas the Elf was running through the forests of grass, under the canopies of clover and around the stems of small flowers when she came across a fuzzy caterpillar.  Almost immediately, the furry thing started to follow Etwas wherever she went.

When Etwas went for a walk, the caterpillar inched along beside her.  When she ran, the caterpillar inched faster.  When she climbed trees, the thing climbed along and when she played, the clumsy creature tried to match the game.  This went on for almost two weeks until Etwas decided to take Rascal out for a ride and the caterpillar couldn't fly.

So it sewed itself up into its chrysalis and, just before its face was hidden and Etwas was out of sight it called "See you in a few weeks, Etwas!"

And ever since then, elves always play age-appropriately.

The Elves and the Salmon Castle

Once upon a time, Etwas the Elf was running through the forests of grass, under the canopies of clover and around the stems of tall flowers when she came upon her cousin Eamon with his hands under his hat standing over a square patch of bare earth.

"Howdy, Eamon!"

"Hi, Etwas," her cousin sulked back.

"Whatcha doin'?"

Eamon just stared down at the patch of ground he had torn all the grass from and moved all the rocks out of.  "Bewding a castew."

"Want some help?"

"Yes, pweese."

"OK, I can gather up some sticks for the walls."

Eamon frowned.  "Naw," he said, "wood sometimes catches on fioo."

"Do you want me to gather some stones?  We can build rock walls."

Eamon frowned again and furrowed his brow.  "Naw," he said, "Dey might tumbew ovah and faw on my head."

Etwas thought a minute and then her face brightened.  "Come here," she said, "I want to show you something."

So the two elves went down to the river and Etwas took out her little knife and cut some cotton weeds.  She pulled the fibers apart and then braided them together into a rope.  Then a salmon jumped out of the river and Etwas threw the rope into the salmon's mouth.  "Grab on!" she cried and soon Etwas and Eamon were flying through the water on the salmon's back.

The salmon swished its tail and splashed water past Eamon's ear.  Then it dove over the side of a waterfall.  "Woooooowwwwiiiiiiieeeeeeeee!" the two elves shouted. The salmon dove to the bottom and then jumped the surface of the river, flipped in midair and came down with a crash.  It raced towards the bank and turned sharply around.  This time, the two elves lost their footing and flew through the air.  The pair landed in a sloshing tumble onto the moss and lay there, bruised and laughing until their sides ached.

"You see, Eamon," his cousin explained, "we really need a fortress that'll move with us."

And ever since then, Eamon has been open to alternative systems of architecture.

The elf and the beetle

Once upon a time, Etwas the Elf was running through the forests of grass, under the canopies of clover and around the stems of tall flowers when she saw a beetle starting a hole in the dirt as the sun was just rising.

"Howdy, Ms. Beetle!" Etwas greeted the carapacious cavernator.

"Hi, Etwas, can you help me dig my hole?"

The elf took out her little knife and started digging with the beetle.  As the hole got deeper, they took turns- one would dig down and the other would keep the walls smooth, strong and circular.  Down and down they dug.  Before long they were down over their heads and the roles changed with one digging out the bottom and tending the sides, and the other carrying the tailings out and dumping them on the ground nearby.

Eventually, the hole was so deep that the one digging was constantly in darkness and still they dug.  Before long, even the one strewing the dirt outside the hole was in darkness.

"OK," the beetle said finally.  "That's perfect."

"Is this a nest for your babies?" asked Etwas.

"No, no."

"Are you going to store food in here?"

"Nah," answered the dirty beetle.

"Are you going to live in here?  Or hide from predators in here?"

"Nope."

"Then why did you want to dig this hole?"

"I just wondered what was at the other end."

And ever since then, Etwas is careful to ask questions before she starts digging around.

The elf and the reverent rodents

Once upon a time, Etwas the elf was running through the forests of grass and under the canopies of clover and around the stems of tall flowers when she came upon a tiny table made of a flat pebble sitting on four matchsticks sunk firmly in the dirt. Around the table sat a squirrel, a chipmunk, a dormouse and a rat on their hind legs, which is considered exceptionally mannerly in the rodent community. Their eyes were shut and their forepaws cycled under the chins.  Nobody spoke but every whisker twitched.  Beside them, on the ground, there was a scrap of cloth from which delicious aromas rose.

"Howdy, Misters Squirrel, Chipmunk, Dormouse and rat." Etwas greeted the aristocrats once their eyes opened.

"Hello, Ms. Etwas," said the squirrel.

"A goo-goo-guten Tag." stuttered the chipmunk.

"Buenas dias, Mees Elf," saluted the dormouse.

"Bonjour," the rat added with a flourish.

Etwas asked, "what's the occasion?  It's a very nice table."

The rat answered her.  "Wee have an especially fine cuisine we have preparrred.  We have zee meat of a bird who, as fate would 'ave eet, 'as bean roasted! Would you, pearhaps care to join?"

The squirrel added "We also have a potato which had come upon misfortune and was buried in milk, butter and salt."

"Und zis, zis, zis souse off red b-b-bahren vich had popped zehr shkinss in shooga." contributed the chipmunk.

"We gatherr to to conseeder dee misfortunas of dee food and geeve ar tahnks."

"Well," said Etwas, that sounds very nice.  How did the unfortunate food have the great good luck of finding such an elegant table?"

The rat answered for the group.  "Zee purr peopel een zee rotten cabeen wees ze beeg 'oles in zee walls at zee bottom of zee heel, zey nevair 'ave anysing mais yestairday, voila!"

"You stole a poor family's meal?"

"N-n-n-nein," explained the chipmunk, "dey ver prayink.  Vee-vee answeredet."

The rat added quickly, "Eet was proviahnce, zee deevahn, zat provided zair meal to us!"

And ever since then, Etwas keeps faith in providence, and stays vigilant around theologians.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, especially the poor and the thievish.

Etwas and the peaceful evening

Once upon a time, Etwas the Elf was running through the forests of tall grass, under the canopies of clover and around the stems of tall flowers when nothing happened at all.  It was sunset and the world was at peace with the nocturnal animals waiting for their time to start and the diurnal animals waiting for time to sleep and the warm earth waiting for snow.  The wind was still and the trees were quiet and the sun left a dark orange assurance of new days to come.

Etwas sat and silently wondered if her cousin Eamon was about and what kind of trouble they could get into later.

And ever since then, Etwas takes the quiet times when they come and tugs on their tails.

The tale of the elf, the ogre and the tale of the frost giants

Once upon a time, Etwas the Elf was running through the forests of grass, under the canopies of clover and around the stems of tall flowers when she decided to go visit her cousin, Stevie Elfsmoosher, the big, mean, ugly ogre.  She turned and jogged up towards the mountains and before she came within miles of his home, she heard the echoes of enormous stones being pounded against other stones.  Sure enough, it was Stevie trying to pound slabs of slate into cliffs of basalt.

Stevie was so busy, he didn't even notice that he was under attack by tiny elf until she was sitting on his earlobe.  "Howdy, Stevie!" she peeped.

"Oh, hey, Etwas.  What are you doing?"

"Sitting on an ogre's ear," the elf answered.  "What are you doing?"

"I'm building a library."

"What's a library?"

"Sort of a shelf.  You put books on them."

"Oh!  What's a book?"

"I think it's a slab of stone with a story in it."

"What's a story?"

"You've never heard a story?" her cousin asked her, incredulously.

"I don't think so."

"They usually start 'once upon a time.'  Farmers tell them a lot.  Here, I'll tell you the story about the Frost Giants"

The tiny elf clapped her hands and the big, mean, ugly ogre began.  "Once upon a time, Iceland was full of frost giants.  They were huge creatures, ten times taller than even I am."

"That's tall!"

"That's right!  And they were covered in fur- white fur, every hair on them was covered in ice crystals.  Their eyes were pale blue and they ate people."

A breeze rose and carried a voice from outside the scope of this story that asked "Like a polar bear?"   

But the elf and the ogre ignored the voice.  Stevie asked "Have you ever seen a person?  They're like bears only arty."

"Sure," Etwas said, glad to feel clued into this arcane discussion. "I've seen lots of people."

"OK, so that's what Frost Giants ate.  Anyway, there came in Iceland a Viking King named Grétar who was tired of his children being hors d'oeuvres.  Vikings had beem fighting frost giants for centuries until they realized they were simply volunteering for the pot luck.  

"But Grétar had a clever idea,  He climbed up the glacier Eyarfjälljokull and dug a hole in the top of the mountain beneath."

"Why would you put a well in a glacier?" Etwas asked.  People aren't that bright, are they?"

"Not so much," Stevie continued, "but Grétar was pretty smart for a viking,  So he dug the hole and then he hollowed out a narwhal's horn and cut a hole in the tip.  He put the horn into the hole and told a long story into the heart of the mountain which filled up with hot gas and exploded, making the first volcano.  

"The lave melted the ice crystals on the frost giants and with no frost, the giants discovered their fur was actually purple.  Embarassed, they left the area.  So King Grétar went all over Iceland making volcanoes and, ever since then, Iceland has been a slightly safer place for people as well as for ogres and elves."

And ever since then, Etwas is very careful with stories, lest they shatter the landscape.

The little elf and the great achievement

Once upon a time, Etwas the Elf was running through the forests of grass, under the canopies of clover and around the stems of tall flowers when a strange creature loomed out from behind a tree.  It was a dark animal with hair on its shoulders and its back and its body but a naked face.  It's knuckles dragged on the ground and it had a big nose and big chin and it scratched itself all over with its big old feet, disturbing peaceful families of fleas from their harmony with each rough stroke.

"Howdy, Mr., ah, Mister."

The creature answered in a deep, rough voice.  "Howdy, Etwas!"

"Whatcha doing, Mr. Mister?"

"Watching you, right now.  And talking to you.  And thinking of singing you a song about prison, slavery, vagrancy and/or death."

"Hmm," the little Elf considered.  "Maybe we can do something else."

"I know a game," the creature offered.

"Yes, sure, let's play your game."

"OK, here's how you play..." the explanations of the rules went on for quite a ways and it seemed to be a sort of race but it ended at a certain time, 3PM so it wasn't at all clear how to win a race when it ends at a certain time.  But games don't always have to make sense and slave hymns didn't sound like that much fun so the two started.  The little elf and the big monster leaned forward.  The animal stuck three gnarled fingers in the air and counted down.  "Ready, set, go!"  Per the rules, both elf and animal flopped over and took a nap.

When the requisite sheep had been counted, they dragged themselves up and climbed the tree together, stripping bark as they went.  When they reached the top, they gathered the bark into ropes and fashioned the ropes into lariats which they threw over the pinnacle of a nearby rock to make a bridge which they walked down.  The creature lost his balance more than once but, happily, he had prehensile feet and made it to the rock upside down, where Etwas was waiting for him.

Then they gathered driftwood to make a ladder, tying the crossbars together with the risers using blackberry vines the elf cut with her little knife.  The monster got pricklers in his hands, and Etwas snacked on a few berries while the creature groaned and got out of his hands what he could.  Then they set the ladder against the side of a mountain and climbed.  When they reached the top of the ladder, the pair shrugged and started up the cliff face.  Finally, they reached the top.  There they made ink from the blackberries in the animal's hand and tip-toed into an eagle's nest to graffiti the eggs.  Etwas made an "E" and the animal made a sign too, although Etwas couldn't tell what letters, if any, were used.

They gathered feathers and sticks on the top of the mountain, and the wax from a bee's nest to build artificial wings which they strapped on their arms to fly back home.  Etwas flew high until the sun began to melt the wax that held the feathers on the wing, so she flapped towards a cloud which cooled the apparatus and then she circled.  The creature, of course, being big and heavy, plummeted straight to earth almost immediately and landed on his head.

When the race ended at 3pm, Etwas had dragged the enormous, unconscious creature back to the starting line and she had to admit, she felt like she'd accomplished a fair bit during the race.

And ever since then, Etwas looks carefully after her babysitters.